I have a bad case of the grumps today.
It’s a perfect cocktail of lack of sleep, deadlines, discouragement, busy kids, and the fact that we’re clean out of ice cream at our house (how did that happen?).
I’m still on track for finishing Old Hag by the end of the month, but this unexpected case of the grumps has derailed all my glorious visions of knocking out thousands of words in a single day.
When I do sit down to write, I see everything in my story through this grumpy lens. My protagonist is pouty. My world is bleak. My characters’ relationships are full of angst.
In some ways that can be useful, because it provides conflict. But the conflict in my writing should be intentional – not a product of my own personal storm cloud.
The solution: Write a navel-gazey blog post, get a full night’s sleep, get those %#$! Halloween costumes finished, enlist Darren’s help with the housework and kids, and keep plugging away at everything tomorrow.
That, and buy more ice cream.
These days I’ve been going through the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series. Again.
The first time I watched it, I was impressed with the cohesiveness of the overarching plot, and the individual character arcs that spanned three series.
As I’m going through this time, I’m noticing the smaller details – subplot devices, character moments, foreshadowing, etc.
This heightened awareness of storytelling elements (not to mention being steeped in a rich world with a strong plot and dynamic characters) has sharpened my ability to recognize cool ideas, and the emotions behind them.
Emotion is, after all, what I love most about reading and writing.
As a result of having Avatar and storytelling elements on the brain, I’ve started seeing story ideas all around me:
A gorgeous and haunting song about a river, and blood-stained stones.
A news site article about a volcano.
The Book of Leviticus.
A dream staring the Ninth Doctor.
A painting of a girl in a hat on a dirt road.
And, of course, Avatar itself.
I’m still plugging away and making pretty good progress on Old Hag. But in the back of my mind, lightning has struck.
Story sparks are coming to life.
And I’m giddy with anticipation to see what these sparks turn into.
I’ve heard it a gazillion times:
Turn off your internal editor.
Don’t try to make it perfect the first time.
Move on and fix it later.
Easier said than done, people.
After whizzing through several chapters in the past month, I seem to be hung up on this one.
I’ll struggle with something, conquer it, feel good, move on, and get stuck on something else two paragraphs later. Like I’m slogging through molasses.
As I’m staring at the word document and bleeding through my forehead, the temptation to line edit what’s already there is high. It gives me a false sense of progress, when I’m really just stalling while waiting for inspiration to magically appear and bail me out.
Unfortunately, inspiration won’t strike while I’m staring at the screen and tinkering with sentences. It comes as I buckle down and shovel words – imperfect words – onto the page.
I’m slowly coming to understand that my own personal brand of writers block usually takes the form of that pesky internal editor getting her way.
And look! What started out as a post about shutting off the internal editor turned into a lesson on working through writers block. Imagine that…
Pup is in his room, not sleeping.
I know he’s tired. I know he needs a nap badly. I know he’ll be happier for the rest of the day if he takes his afternoon nap.
But he fights it.
It makes me wonder if I’m ever like that. Do I ever resist things just because they’re hard, or because I’d rather do something more exciting? The obvious answer is a big neon yes.
I’ve been staring at the opening of my chapter 8 for the past six days. In the past month, six days is how long I’ve averaged for each chapter. And I’ve finished four chapters.
But here I am, at a rough spot – six days of blinking at that blank page, and closing the computer when I can’t figure out how to make it work.
Maybe I need to take some time to chew on it.
But more likely, maybe I need to just remind myself that this is a first draft. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m shoveling sand into the sandbox in lopsided heaps, so that later I can form it into a beautiful sand castle. (At least, as beautiful as a first-time novelist is capable of making.)
It’s hard, but so is everything else that’s worth it.
I’m beginning to discover that I like a full plate.
Sure, I’ll talk about wishing for more free time, but when it comes right down to it, I feel the most alive and energetic when I’m busy pursuing a dream – the key word being “busy.”
The largest chunks of my time are devoted to kids and housework. That’s my day job, and one that I can’t quit, no matter what other goals I reach for and achieve. That line never gets crossed.
The little bits in between kids and housework are what’s up for grabs. Sometimes I fill it with writing, sometimes with baking and cake decorating. Now and then I’ll take a brief stint into music, sewing, gardening, or decorating.
But either way I slice it, I can’t fill those bits of time with nothing.
This is a good thing, because it means I’m able to accomplish things that a lot of other young moms in my stage in life generally don’t. But it also means that sometimes it comes around to bite me.
Right now, I’m teetering on the edge of deciding to audition for a local production of Fiddler on the Roof. This is one of my very favorite musicals, and one I’ve always wanted to be in. Darren has said he’s willing to support me in this. I’ve been whipping my singing voice back into shape, and I feel that if I do this right, I’ve got a good shot at a main role.
Problem: I have also set a goal to finish a first draft of my novel by the end of the year.
I’m not convinced that novel-writing and musical-acting are mutually exclusive, but with a limited number of hours per week that are mine in which to pursue dreams, I might not be able to make both fit. Or, I might be able to do one mostly well and the other only mediocre.
I’m not interested in ‘mediocre.’ Or even ‘mostly well,’ for that matter. If I’m going to do anything at all, it’s going to be my best work.
So I continue to play a mental see-saw game, doing the math over and over again, and debating with myself over opportunity cost vs. sanity.
I’m currently 2100 words into Chapter 2 of my current project (why is it so hard for me to come up with a working title?) and I’m learning all over again why reading and studying the craft of writing can never replace good, old-fashioned practice.
Chapter 2 has a lot of character development. I mean a lot. So here’s how my inner dialogue went today:
Me 1: This chapter is boooring.
Me 2: Hey, it’s character development. That’s interesting.
Me 1: *Snore*
Me 2: It’s not like you have to have something exploding on every page.
Me 1: Right. But I’m bored writing it. Who on earth would want to read it?
Me 2: People who are mature enough to handle scenes of character development. Is it really that bad?
Me 1: Yes.
Me 2: But character development isn’t boring!
Me 1: It is if that’s ALL THAT’S HAPPENING.
That was my light bulb moment.
I’ve done enough reading and studying in the past several years to know that every scene in a given story has to do more than one thing: Develop character, advance the plot, and show the setting.
Develop character, advance the plot, show the setting. I could say it in my sleep. With both hands tied behind my back.
Of course my chapter was boring – I wasn’t advancing the plot or showing the setting. Yes, I was doing a great job developing character, but even the most fascinating character will lose your reader if plot and setting are ignored.
For some reason, it took me a long time to realize that that was the solution to my boring chapter.
Writing blinds me to my own weakness. Writing more shows me it’s there. Writing even more reveals the answer.
Practice, practice, practice.
I remember reading an essay, several years back, written by a writing professor at a university, somewhere. I wish I could remember her name.
The essay was all about how to be a successful writer, and the author claimed to have the “magic key.”
1. Write 500 words a day.
2. Write a nice, hand-written thank-you note to someone in the industry, once a week.
I’m obviously not currently doing either of these. But for some reason, that “500 words a day” idea has stuck with me. Anytime I hit that 500-word milestone in a day, I feel like I’m really achieving my goals. I’ve mentioned it before.
Now, call me an under-achiever, but I don’t have a huge amount of confidence in my ability to hit 500 words a day, six days a week. I have three little boys, endless housework, church responsibilities, and a husband I’m crazy about — all of which take priority over writing. Not to mention needing enough sleep in order to keep up with it all.
On the other hand, I also find myself wasting bits and pieces of time throughout the day, most notably during naptime, when I should be able to be crazy-productive. Something about having all three boys quiet and/or sleeping at the same time triggers the lazy switch in my brain.
Gotta fix that if I want to get anywhere on my goals.
Which brings me to my point — I’ve decided to commit myself to writing 250 words a day. Baby steps.
250 words a day, at least for now. I can increase it later. This can include fiction, but I’m also counting blog posts, because that works out the same part of my brain.
This post is now over 275 words. See? I can do this.
I will do this.
Lest you thought this writing blog was turning into a pregnancy blog, I am here to assure you that that chapter (haha) is over.
Baby came! He’s sweet and cuddly and smiley and we’re all in love with him. So here we are, nearly three months after the fact, and I’m just getting my writing legs back.
Holidays are over, sicknesses are all better, vacation has come and gone, and our little Jack is consistently sleeping through the night.
*rubbing hands together*
Time to get to work!
I agreed to email a friend a new chapter each month. But I want to write at a faster pace than that. If I can finish two chapters per month, I’ll be sitting pretty to finish my goal of a first draft of a novel well before the end of the year. I may even have time for some revisions.
Realistically, there are other things going on in my life than writing, and those things may prove to be worthy roadblocks to my goal.
So far, I have one chapter done. One chapter in one month — but that was a month interrupted by sicknesses on top of sicknesses, and an unexpected trip to California in the middle. That, and our laptop (dear, departed laptop!) met an untimely death halfway through the month, which made it much harder to get my writing in.
I’m fairly confident that I could have finished two chapters in January if we’d had a normal month. On the other hand, crazy-and-unexpected is normal. Maybe I can’t count on finishing two chapters every month.
But that won’t stop me from trying.
News flash: Late third trimester has a wacky personality. One day, I’m knocked out by fatigue, pregnancy aches, and irritability. Twenty-four hours later, I’m all energy and smiles and productivity.
You always hear writing advice from people who say things like, “You have to make writing a priority. Every single day.” And you know what? That’s fantastic advice.
But these days, crashing on the couch during naptime occasionally has to take priority over writing. To say nothing of the daily kid care, dishes, laundry, and meal prep that requires nearly all of my already-waning energy (and doesn’t happen if I don’t do it). Let’s not even talk about all the projects on the To-Do-Before-Baby-Comes list.
These days, I have to accept the fact that writing isn’t as high a priority as many other things. In the very back of my mind, I feel a little guilty, because I feel like I’m just making excuses. Writing is my dream! And I need to work hard and sacrifice to achieve my dreams!
But then I look at the demands on my time, energy, and psyche. I can’t do it all. And if I decide to use this finite amount of energy to provide good meals and clean clothes for my family in these final weeks of pregnancy, then that’s not something to feel guilty about.
The writing isn’t going anywhere. It can wait while I get through this stage. But I can’t put my family on hold.